Coffee or Tea: The Quintissential Question

This a speech I made from almost 3 years ago. To this day, this remains the only time I've ever gone up on stage and never had a mini-heart attck or the need to faint within 5 seconds. Despite my many eccentricities, I have unfortunately never been able to quite get over stage-fright...

The English, being the snobs that they are, have their own little world of rules. While some govern the etiquette of speaking and walking, others deal with which side of the road to drive on. But one of the most interesting facts about them is their mind analyses the answer to the question, “Tea or Coffee?”. If the answer is tea, then all is well and it is decided that the speaker is sophisticated enough to grace the company present. But if the answer is coffee, then you are in for a rude shock. The immediate assumption become that you are one of the lowest of the low, uncouth and disgraceful. You become so repulsive that the English hurl their worst moniker at you; American. The horror this instills in one versed in the English ways is unbearable. There have been reports of people being driven to madness by the inherent embarrassment and shame. So never underestimate the power of this Brazilian bean; it may help you stay awake but it can also be a death warrant if ever seen on English shores. Tea lovers, rejoice; for there may still be hope to revive the dying interest in tea. Now, as I sit with a cup of both tea and coffee before me, I ask you; is it right to be asked to choose between energy and sophistication? You be the judge.